Biting the Bullett

Well, I figured I'd give it a try. I have a blog of sorts on shoutlife, but it doesn't seem to have the same feel/look as the blogs on blogger, so I thought I'd start a new one over here, with the hopes that I'd actually blog daily, or at least more often! And since so many of my dear cyberfriends have blogs here, I figured I could ask them how to do things if I had questions. lol.

I've been so blessed by reading all the posts in the blogs of my adoptive friends. Your openness and honesty has motivated me to put my daily life/struggles down in writing, in the hopes that I can grow from my mistakes and not repeat them.

People that know me, know that I'm an open/honest book. I share my feelings freely (if asked) and can cry with the best of them. I cry when I'm happy, sad, mad and blessed. I smile and laugh often, I can't take myself or life too seriously, after all, it's not really mine is it? God has given me more than I could ever ask or dream of. I'm not saying my life has been easy, but then again, I can't say it's been hard either. It's all relative. I just know that I choose to grow from my experiences, sometimes, and pray that I continue to.

I'm not sure what I'll blog about, maybe anything and everything. Not sure where I'll start. Childhood, adulthood, or AC (after Christ). Maybe I'll jump around a lot (most probably) since that's how my mind works. I will explain now that my memory is HORRID! I have lupus and it has affected my memory for everything! So, if I repeat myself, just bare with me please.

This was the hardest thing for me to accept because it affected my ability to work. You see, I'm a RN, and not bragging, but I was a good one. I know that sounds prideful, but it is not intended that way. I tell you I was good because God grew me that way. I started out as a typically educated nurse, nothing bad, nothing great. When I asked God to help me be a better person and nurse everything changed. I saw all my patients as children of God. I always respected them, but now I loved each and everyone of them. I was a community health nurse and primarily went into the inner city of Rochester, since so many other of the girls were fearful. I can honestly say I think I was only scared a couple of times in the 11 years I did that, and then I started to pray and it passed. I had some of what society would call "the least". I cared for HIV patients, prostitutes, homosexuals and convicts. I can honestly say I loved them all. I saw things that I never new existed, and to be honest, was initially appalled by. I never showed it and just realized that just because it was strange to me, it wasn't to my patients and their families. I prayed for my patients, I was blessed enough to pray WITH some of my patients. I got to help some leave this earth and meet with their Heavenly Father. Did I cry? You bet, I'm a big baby, not for them, but for their family that was left behind who had to try and live without their loved one. I cried in the car often, mostly for the ones that I thought left earth and DIDN'T get to meet their Heavenly Father. I cried for the loss of their eternal soul. To be truthful, I used to whisper in all my patients ears that Jesus was their savior, that He died for them and that if they repented of their sins they could go be with Him forever. I'd like to think that I made a difference in some of those lives, I don't know. What I know is that Nursing was my ministry. I had no doubt of that. Then....lupus.

Wow, what was I going to do? I almost died. I actually would have welcomed it, the pain I was in, the exhaustion, but I knew I couldn't leave my children. You see, my husband of 18 years left me at that time. He didn't want a sick wife that he had to take care of. He didn't want a wife that couldn't work. So, instead of dying (like the docs thought I might), I got up out of bed and God healed me. Not a complete healing, no He knew better. He knew I was too prideful and independent. He knew I thought I didn't need anyone or probably didn't even need Him. He knew I had to be flat on my back in order to look up. He had to take all my securities from me. No husband, no job, no health, no memory. Nothing to hold on to....only Him. And I did. I hung on for my life and He raised me again.

I would like to think He raised up a much better person, but some days I wonder. At least now I know I can't do ANYTHING without Him, I don't want to, when He isn't involved I can make the biggest mess of things you can imagine! God has given me a life better than I could ever imagine or asked for. I'm blessed beyond words. I have a loving christian husband, five, soon to be six, children, have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I may not have what society would think where many material things, but I have more than I need and way more than what the majority of the rest of the world has.

Most importantly I have God. He is always with me, whether I can feel Him or not, I KNOW that He is there. He will never leave nor forsake me. I'm the most blessed woman in the world!